“If you are staying Thadeus, you have to go through a rigorous bathroom etiquette as laid down by the law of The Thunderous Mother.”
Thadeus sits up excitedly.
“What is that master Will?”
“Oh you will enjoy it.” I have my fingers crossed behind my back. “Every modern day boy is absolutely mad for the rigorous bathroom etiquette.” I suck my cheeks in to control myself.
“Wait here a minute.”
Thadeus smiles gladly.
“You are the best master ever.”
A glimmer of shame starts to creep up on me but then I think of the wind and the spit. Being with Thadeus is like being thrown into gross weather conditions whilst indoors.
I nip into the bathroom, put the plug in the bath and turn the taps on. Whilst the water runs, I peruse the torture chamber which is called the bathroom cabinet. I look for a weapon, spy something which will be just right and then reach out for the antique tongue scraper.
Three years ago, The Thunderous Mother warned Dad that his breath was worse than all Bongo’s dogs combined. Dad took the huff and bought the said tongue scraper from the antique shop. He used it once, which is what Dad does with everything and then it got left in the cabinet. It will do.
Next is a pumice stone which The Thunderous Mother bought Dad for his birthday. Pumice stone, is a grey stone used to scrape the decaying feet of adults.
Finally, I seize upon a tub which has a picture of a face covered in mud. The Thunderous Mother said that the face mask would make her look like a teenager. She thought that the longer she left it on, the younger she would look. It was not a happy moment when Dad had to use a chisel to remove it.
The bath is ready. The room is full of steam and I rub my hands together. There is only one thing better than plotting on the bed and that is putting the plan into action.